A Lot on my Plate

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted!

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to put this out there, but here it is:

Since having my third (!?!) child I've really been thinking about/struggling with my role as a parent. To say this one wasn't planned would be an understatement. I was counting on more time to prepare for another baby after having numero deux, but when she was 9 months old I found out I had 9 months to get ready. Having a new baby is like becoming a parent for the first time all over again, but even more so when the one to one ratio is disrupted. The prospect was, honestly, completely terrifying. Tim and I are in school (with grad school in the cards for both of us) and our kids are under the age of four. It was one of those moments where I really "wrestled with the Lord." I prayed and basically said, "OK, Father, I will do this because you seem to think we're ready for it...but are you SURE?" By the end of that conversation I felt that this is not only the time when we are supposed to have all of our children, but for me to finish school as well. At the same time. Awesome.

I know plenty of people who are against the idea outright, thinking having children is something narcissistic or un-feminist. I respect their ideas and reasons, it's a personal choice, but I can say with confidence that starting a family is the absolutely least narcissistic thing I have ever done. Parenting takes sacrifice, humility, and an utter lack of pride you never thought possible. You realize every fault you have ever had as you parent and see those traits in these small, beautiful people. It makes you hope and pray to all that you find holy that they don't end up anything like you because you are an idiot and you work as hard as you can to make sure they are better than you in every way. And as a feminist, I can say that nothing is more empowering than creating a life and molding them. You want to talk equality with men-- who else creates life? God. Motherhood is a pretty big deal.

This definitely isn't how I planned on spending my early-to-mid twenties. I didn't even think I would be married by now. There are plenty of days when I want to scream, or hide in my room and ignore the hurricane of activity and impossibly loud screaming going on outside. But I wouldn't trade it for all of the free time and skinny jeans in the world. I never thought I could feel like I would explode with love and happiness while watching a short person do a goofy dance, or when they hold your hand. It isn't for the faint of heart, but like anything worthwhile it makes you better and stronger through the struggle. By no means am I perfect parent, or any sort of great example. I struggle every day to keep my head straight while trying to teach three whirlwinds how to be good, productive people.

I've been asked by so many people how I do it (school, kids, everything else.) Truly, I don't know. It's a daily process where I decide what is most important and take care of it. Gym or movie? Cleaning or homework? Playtime or paper writing? I've found through having less time I can get more done because I have learned to be more efficient, and I am so grateful for that. I think I get more done now than I did with one or two kids. Boiled down, when you know you're doing what you're supposed to do with your life you just make it work.

I realize I'm only four years in to my parenting journey, and as each difficult phase passes another starts, but if I have learned anything it's that I can do hard things. These kids are worth it.